No Ghost of Christmas Past--

"And the Grinch put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow... But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!" --The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Reclaiming What is Mine

For a while now I have not been able to think about playing my piano without a bit of sorrow...for one, it was one of the last and best Christmas gifts from my then husband. And secondly, he married someone who plays, which in itself is not surprising. Yet I somehow felt hurt by that fact...that now someone else plays for him. That I was not good enough. Wondering if he said the same things to her...just a myriad of raw emotion. Every time I sat at the keyboard, the feelings would surface. And there was no joy in the music anymore. It was as if in losing everything else, she, he, they had to take that too...

But the reality is...my music is part of who I am. And it has been a part of me since I was 5 years old. Do I really believe two people have the capacity to take that from me? No, it was just a stupid lie of the devil. One that almost made me sell the piano...it hurt to look at it sitting there. Remembering the day we brought it home... the happiness it gave me. A lady who went to the missionfield left it behind in Clarksville with her parents. And it became mine. She can't take that from me. And never will. It's not the piano. It's the music. And it's in me...sad or joyful...and it has to come out.

And it does not matter about her or him anymore, either. Because they are not the source. My life is not dependent on either of them. Nor my happiness. I had music before him. And I have music after him. Life does go on. That's why at 4:00 a.m. Wednesday morning (The Golden Boy at Aunt Carla's), I padded barefoot to to living room and pulled the bench out. I cannot describe to you the peace that came to me. You had to be there. But I was there, and God was there. And I know He smiled. And that's all that matters really...

His Burden is Light

I thank God daily for the peace He has put in my life...for the provision, for the power. I thank Him for bodily health and renewed mental clarity. The fog is lifting. The burden that once was so heavy is becoming lighter with each day. I thank Him for sweet sleep--restful sleep...I can feel strength returning to a long wearied body. New hope. New life. Freedom. One by one, I lift the emotional bags to Him. He dumps all the garbage, shaking out every scrap of insecurity and low self-esteem. He unzips all the hidden compartments where I hide my pain and tears...and with His mighty hand, He clears those out as well. "I don't want you carrying these around," He says. There's no need. The journey I have called you to, I call you to take none of these with you. What you need, I will give you along the way. These things will only slow you down, delay you, and could potentially stop you in your tracks. He pulls out a cinder block..."See what Satan placed there while you were not looking. Feel how heavy and burdensome. He meant to break your back with it, but what he meant for evil...I will make for good."

Come, my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. I will give you rest. I am the restorer of your soul...In me you are well able to overcome. And therein lies my hope. I am blessed and highly favored today.

Waiting in the Upper Room

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.--Psalm 27:13 &14

There is nothing like waiting..especially when you are in limbo--when you feel as if you on a long, long flight back to the homeland--and not an uneventful flight, mind you, but one straight through the biggest, blackest, ugliest storm cloud you have ever encountered. A flight that leaves you retching and green from its sudden drops and spins, leaving you breathless and sobbing and wondering if the plane carrying you is going to burst into flames mid-air.

But I am still confident of this...I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. What does not kill me, will make me stronger. I will live and not die. God will take care of me. When I am sick, He will heal me. When I am lonely, He will talk to me. When I am sad, He will comfort me. When I am in need, He will provide. When I can't walk, He will hold my hand. When I am lost, He will show me the way. When I am confused, He will give me clarity of mind. When I am distressed, He will bring sweet peace to flood my soul. When I am grieving, He will give me joy unspeakable and full of glory. He is, and He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. This is the Hope I have. This is what I wait for. This is what I live for. Be strong, He says. In due season, you will reap if you faint not.

Time spent waiting on the Lord is never wasted. I heard Him speak this morning, and God is a southern gentlleman: You don't ever have to fear flying again, because no matter how bumpy the ride gets, the One who holds the stars in place holds your hand, babydoll, and I have promised to never let you fall if you just let go of the reins and let this horse have its head." Isn't it wonderful that we have a God who speaks our very own love languages! I love Him with all that is within me. I will bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is within me, Bless His holy name.

The Best Dwelling Ever

Keep checking. I'm still around. Things are getting better every day. Some good things are happening. God is providing. God is answering. God is working. What an awesome privilege it is to call Him "My God."

Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

On Earth As It Is In Heaven

"The Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad." Psalms 126:3

Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: Be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yeah I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousnes."

The windows of heaven are open tonight. That means not only are the hosts of heaven able to look down and see, but I can see in and get a glimpse. And not only that, but the sound of their voices carries that much louder--as if I were right outside the portals. The great cloud of witnesses, they are standing in the windows...shouting.

What are they saying? They are shouting, just a little bit more, Cindy. Walk a few more steps, make a few more strides. Don't you dare stop now. You are about to step off that cliff that is the realm of the natural, and when you do, your eagle wings will take over, and you shall not fall. You will soar above this circumstance. High above it. You will look down. And what you will see will be as ants on the ground...so far beneath you that it cannot touch you, cannot harm you anymore. Do not be afraid. Nothing in the natural world can touch your spirit which is free. You have got to rise above it. Overcome it. By the word of your testimony and the blood of the Lamb. Rise above it. My family is there...I hear them cheering. I hear them saying, "It does not matter what you face. God is bigger. It does not matter how you feel, it is what you know. It does not matter if the other person forgives you. Rise above it."

And then my sweet, sweet Savior rises from the throne...and the cheering ceases as He stands to speak. "My grace is sufficient for thee. I am neither suprised nor confused by the things that puzzle you, that tear at your heart in the night, that bring you such sorrow. I have heard the sound of your weeping upon your bed. I have bottled your every tear. They are precious to me. I would not that you be broken forever, my child. I will that you be made whole. I see every little fragment, the big, the small, the sharp, the blunt, the shiny, the dull, the dirty, the clean. Do you forget that I am your Maker? I knew your vessel before it breathed its first breath. And I have seen every breath that you have taken since I gave you life. I am able. The kiln burns hot, but it strengthens and purifies. Let it burn away the impure. Let this make you strong. Do not believe the enemy. He roars, but he is blind. He roars because he is hungry. He has no inkling of what it is to be spiritually full. But I say to you, he who comes to me shall not hunger or thirst. I am the Bread of Life and the Living Water. Be filled with all that I am. And He begins to pour Himself into me. You can. You will. By my Spirit.

And the cloud of witnesses nods silently, smiling to themselves, because they know. Their knowledge has already been perfected...there is nothing hid in heaven. They know that victory is ahead. And at once a shout goes up in unison. "Victory!" They cry...and they throw their crowns at His feet...and bow before him crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy. Thou are worthy." Over and over and over their praise comes continually before Him.

And He is well pleased...

Biting That Tongue

Okay, JL I'm not keeping up with the good decisions very well...but that does not mean I am not making them...so, I've lost count. But let's pick back up with #3. Good decision #3--Take a couple deep breaths before answering your ex. Wow. It works. Just enough time to keep from saying something you can't take back. Now if I could just master it. Patience and practice. Patience and practice. Keep praying that for the sake of our child we will learn to communicate effectively and be adult in our conversations. And that healing would continue. There's been enough pain for a lifetime.